my heart shall become your heart.

"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver."Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."


God can't help but be good to us.  But He also says He didn't come to bring peace, but a sword.  What does that look like?  Well, he's going to break us... if He comes into our lives, if we accept Him as Lord, well that means He is Lord of all.  That means He takes over all.  That means the things we want to take hope and security in, He will take away so that we will take hope and security in Him!


I want to be honest with you.  This year has been in one word, humbling.  Humbling: to destroy the power,  independence, or prestige of.   Yep, I'm dependent upon Christ for all things.  I am not to receive glory.


I am surrounded by academia.  Students, here, are not aspiring to be in ministry when they graduate.  Not only that, but I have a leadership role in the midst of it.  Its quite scary.  I have a co-intern who is has a very, very big personality and a boss who is well respected.  Needless to say, I feel small, a lot!  And, well, that's good.  I came into this thing dependent on this verse... "when I came to you brothers,  I did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom.  For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified." - 1 Corinthians 2:1-2.  I came here to proclaim Christ, not for me to be lifted high.  Saying that and living it out are two different things.  Kevin preached on this passage the other night... "For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it.  For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his own soul." - Mark 8:35-36  This has dwelt on my heart since then!  That's it... taking up your cross daily.  For me, it's ok, Kate... who cares if they aren't praising you.  That's not my reward.  Do I love Jesus for Jesus, or for what He is going to give me?  Well, then that would not be love at all, would it?  So, I choose to serve Him, humbly.  


This all sounded beautiful to me, journaling and praying in a coffee shop in Auburn where people do aspire for ministry, more often.  It was great when my friends hosted fundraisers for me and told me how great of an intern I'd be.  I patted myself on the back as I thought, look at me humbly taking my place as the gospel-proclaimer among college students.  Nope.  Jesus is saying... you don't get it.  It's hard.  It's really, really hard.  You will lose your life.  This isn't happening because you're great, but because I am great.  


But neither is the dissatisfaction that comes when you realize the big pretty house in the fancy neighborhood isn't quite as fulfilling as you thought.  It's not much fun when you are fighting once again with your spouse or when you're on the letdown week you return from an amazing weekend in New York City.  It's not great when you win a national championship trophy and wake up the next day, thinking, that's it?


What's good?  What's hope?  Recognizing that the more you lose of yourself, the more you'll find.  For me thats when I'd rather be by myself for the afternoon but a freshman girl wants to spend the afternoon watching TV in my apartment instead.  It looks like the really tough conversations of how do I get over this temptation to get drunk again, or my future looks really scary!  Or maybe its in the outcast guy shows up at RUF and we get to welcome him.  Maybe its even in being putdown by my fellow workers in RUF.  Its me losing more of myself.  It's hard I tell you, but its worth it.  See, I feel like I'm knowing more of Christ these days... more of why He died.  That's more than enough.  It's a beautiful story, really.  He said, your reward's in heaven.  Maybe our idea of a colonial house with a doctor husband and 3 children isn't always the best thing for us.  (Cause, dang it that might be much harder than what I'm enduring).  Instead, God knows precisely what He wants to make happen according to His will in our lives for His purpose.  That's what we are to live for.  


Today, I am gaining much more confidence in Christ.  I am learning much more of the scripture... cause it's life to me.  I am learning to communicate better.  I am learning to trust God for providing for me.  I am learning not to be dependent on others to fulfill me.  I am learning to be content in my circumstances.  That's good... that's really good... but it comes at the price of losing myself.  


"Give me all of you!!! I don’t want so much of your time, so much of your talents and money, and so much of your work. I want YOU!!! ALL OF YOU!! I have not come to torment or frustrate the natural man or woman, but to KILL IT! No half measures will do. I don’t want to only prune a branch here and a branch there; rather I want the whole tree out! Hand it over to me, the whole outfit, all of your desires, all of your wants and wishes and dreams. Turn them ALL over to me, give yourself to me and I will make of you a new self---in my image. Give me yourself and in exchange I will give you Myself. My will, shall become your will. My heart, shall become your heart." - C.S. Lewis